Life of Regrets

I write this with a heavy heart.

The thought of ending things had been in my mind for a long time… around a year and a half to say the least.

But I haven’t had the courage, ever to end things. Thoughts are easy to come by. Execution requires balls of steel, as they say.

You see, there isn’t always a single reason why a thought like this would ever cross your mind. But when it does, it sticks around, lingering in the dark waiting for you to embrace it.

And once you embrace it, it engulfs you.

And it feels like it has, indeed, engulfed me, today.

I can no longer bear the pain GOD has been giving me, if anything like that does exist to begin with.

I have lost all will and energy to continue. But it is what it is. Darwin’s theory always triumphs.

And once again, with this heavy heartedness, I begin writing this journal, as an end to this short journey of mine… more like, a pointless, purposeless journey of mine.

You need not read this piece of shit I am documenting here. I just wanted to put down my feelings on the paper before I go.

I will keep it raw. Unedited. HUMANE. REPETITIVE. AS IT IS. If there are mistakes, they will be natural. Everything in here is being written here as my heart speaks.

I wish things hadn’t been the way they are. Only if I had made the right choices… or only if GOD was there to help me.

I wonder where to begin.

I am from India. Born to a lower middle class couple. Mother is a homemaker. Father employed in state service. A 2 years youger sister. Not gonna get into specifics here.

My parents worked hard to elevate the status from lower to a decent well to do middle class. Neither too good, nor too bad.

But you get the idea of my financial condition from that, I guess.

I had a decent start. A decent early life. A great educational foundation. Sufficient financial backup from Father. At least good enough to elevate my family to upper class, to say the least.

But little did I know that the fucking choices I made, whether on my own or due to the circumstances, would make me go to such an extent that I’d be compelled to end things.

Everything was perfect, until I finished 10th. Perfect.

But then came the so called first, life deciding decision. My first encounter with the harsh reality of this fucked up world.

Question was deciding the stream to take. Not a big deal for most. And it is not, now that I think about it. But back then, for me, it was.

Why? Because it was decided since the very fucking birth that I was supposed to do engineering.

Why? Because everyone does it. Yes, everyone. Most of my friends today are indeed engineers. Not all of them. But certainly most.

Anyway… I was shoved into FIITJEE (outside hometown). To be part of this rat race called IIT. These motherfuckers looted my father, who had to get loan of 2.5 lakhs just to get me admitted. And he used to send 10K every month out of his 50K salary (he was also paying mortgage on house) for my hostel + expenses.

All this for what? Just so I could get a decent high paying job at a MNC and elevate us to higher standards.

And so we come to the first of my many regrests: WASTING THOSE TWO YEARS AND NOT PREPARING FOR JEE at all.

I will be honest here. I was never interested in engineering. Never. And I never studied, either at coaching or by self during those two years of prep. I wasted my time on entertainment. Stayed in hostel, watched movies, went outside. Thankfully never developed the habits of smoking or drinking… but wasted every second and penny there.

[WORK IN PROGRESS]